so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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