And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
