uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
