You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
