Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
