If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
