I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
