Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
