If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.