He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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