Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms