I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
