hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
