mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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