Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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