just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
