I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
