I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize