The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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