update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
