I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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