My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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