counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
