Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
