I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
