Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
