i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
