I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
