So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
