Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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