I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
