You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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