Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He did a backflip because drugs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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