I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
