I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
