you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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