hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
