God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
