apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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