whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
