The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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