Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
