i think my tv is drunk
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
