I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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