Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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