I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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