....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
