So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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