I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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