Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
