I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
