Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
