Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
