Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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