You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
