He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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