Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
