remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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