i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
