Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Two words: blizzard sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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