But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
